i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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