I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
