remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
