Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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