Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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