Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
