we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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