dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
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