Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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