My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
