White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
