My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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