OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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