he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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