...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
