it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
