I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
