So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
