On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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