Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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