My room smells like vodka and shame
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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