This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
