Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize