I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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