Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
