it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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