Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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