i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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