He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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