I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Found the puke drawer
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
