yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
