i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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