1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Non-Jews are for practice
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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