Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize