My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
