sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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