I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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