I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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