I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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