Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
