i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
