can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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