I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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