Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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