i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
