Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
