I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
