when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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