God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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