If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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