I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
