I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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