Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Found the puke drawer
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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