we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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