Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
