Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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