god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
